Dave was never heard from again.

TIPS & TRICKS

How to Have a Successful Marriage and a Thriving Career – Common Mistakes to Avoid

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I sat down with best-selling relationship authors Bill and Pam Farrel to continue our discussion on how to run a successful business (or work a demanding job) while seeing to the needs of your marriage.

Bill and Pam Farrel have been married for 44 years, and when they tell you that, Bill will be sure to add, “And we still like each other.” Bill is calm, confident, and always listening. Pam is energetic, enthusiastic, and ready to jump in with ideas and encouragement. In terms of temperament, they are very different, but they use their differences to fill in each other’s gaps, dipping in and out of each other’s conversation like an easy dance. What is so often a source of conflict among married couples is a strength of the Farrels, a strength they have leveraged into 50 books on relationships and marriage, as well as a widely held respect for their opinions and advice.

Bill and Pam have not only been married for over four decades, they have been in business together for nearly as long. They not only teach good material on how to win in marriage and work at the same time, but they’re living examples.

“What are some common mistakes that couples make when trying to navigate work/life balance?” I ask.

“When marriages fall apart,” Pam begins, with conviction in her voice, “it’s one of two things: Somebody did something selfish, or somebody did something stupid. Being selfish is not the way we were designed to live. We were designed to live in a community, to be connected, and that should be a higher priority than getting my way. But when you start getting all about me and ‘the world should revolve around me,’ that’s going to push every relationship away.”

Bill nods as she goes on.

“As for the ‘stupid’ part… I’ve heard people say, ‘Oh yeah, I reached out to someone I used to date in high school.’ Then we’ll say, ‘Why did you think that was going to turn out well for you?’ Because it doesn’t. Or people make decisions that sabotage their relationship, like getting addicted to drugs or alcohol, shopping like crazy, or gambling.”

But it can be more mundane things that can cause problems as well.

“Some of the mistakes people make,” Bill adds, “are making work more important than their relationships, but eventually, that catches up. My Dad had an impressive career.”

“He was a rocket scientist!” Pam interjects. “He put men on the moon and was involved with all the space shuttles. He was brilliant.”

“And my dad lived to be 92 years old,” Bill continues without missing a beat. “In the last decade of his life, nobody visited him.”

“Only us,” Pam agreed. “And our kids.”

“So what he had at the end of his life was family. And people who make work more important than their family usually end up losing both.”

It’s an interesting and haunting idea, which Bill and Pam demonstrate poignantly. Relational turmoil usually creates turmoil at the office as well, and it gets much easier to drop the ball, show up late, be distracted, or get into fights with coworkers or board members when your marriage is on the rocks. At the end of the day, you aren’t doing your career any favors by sabotaging your marriage or vice versa.

“The second mistake people make is they live in the past,” Bill continues. “Today is probably hard work, but when you look back to ten years ago, you think that people were more proud of you, people thought you were attractive, funny, easy to spend time with… It’s easy to look back and say, ‘I want to reconnect with that life because this life is too hard.’”

Pam nods knowingly. I didn’t ask, but I imagine this kind of nostalgia for the past comes up a lot when they counsel married couples. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence – or ten years ago.

“The third mistake that people make on a regular basis,” Bill says, “is that they stop growing as a person, and their life keeps getting bigger, but they aren’t stronger and more equipped.”

“We have to keep getting stronger as a person so that we have the skills to manage success,” Pam agrees. “We have to keep growing. Sometimes, it can be as easy as reading good emails, signing up for that webinar, being part of an online community with values, or gaining new skills by going to training and conferences – and it’s fun to go to those conferences with your spouse if you can. You can make it work and play, which is nice.”

“Don’t lose your curiosity,” Bill says.

Bill and Pam Farrel are best-selling relationship authors of over 50 books and sought-after conference speakers. To learn more, visit their website, www.love-wise.com, or check out their book Men Are like Waffles; Women Are like Spaghetti for a more in-depth guide on how to succeed in your marriage.

Quick Hits

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